The John Pelley Show
by Notorious JEP
Summary: I host a late night talk show featuring the Titans. It may not seem like a Titan fic at first but guess what? It is! M for the seventh episode. Episode Two is now up...Fear the Insanity!
1. Episode One Babay!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Titans, Mario, Batman, Who's Line is it Anyway, Goku, Gohan, or anything I'm forgeting here. I do however own Brismo and all ads. Read, Review, laugh, cry, or else.

**A/N:** I know this may not seem to have anything to do with the Titans at first, but it does. Well, it does after a few segments. And yeah they play a much bigger role in the fiture episodes.

I don't own the Titans, Mario, Batman, Who's Line is it Anyway, Goku, Gohan, or anything I'm forgeting here. I do however own Brismo and all ads. Read, Review, laugh, cry, or else. 

The John Pelley Show

The theme music of the John Pelley Show, "Revolution"by P.O.D., begins as John walks out onto the stage infront of the millions of John's fans dressed as Drew Carey.

**John:** Hello everyone and welcome to Who's Line Is It Anywa--(looks over at stage hand who is giving him the kill signal) What?(John's assistant runs onto the stage and wispers in John's ear)What? Ya mean this ISN'T Who's Line?(more wispering) Really?(more wispering still)Really? You sure?(again more wispering)Darn ABC! Telling me that I had a chance to replace Drew Carey. They will all feel my wra--waitasecond! (reading overhead sign)'The John Pelley Show' eh? I haven't been on this stage in a few months and those darn network executives know why!

**Audience: **WHY JOHN?

**John:** OhmyGod! People! They told me it would be a simulated audience!(pulls out tape recorder) Note to self: Imprison network executives in Tartarus like common Titans.(looking at audience) Now to answer your question, because the intern named Cathy forgot my Latte'.

(Making his first appearance in over five months)**Brismo:** John, I didn't know you liked Latte's man!

**John:** I don't, I just like ordering them to say they messed up my order so I can throw it back in their faces.(akward silence) Okay now on with the show!(Applause sign lights up behind John making him look extremely stupid) Hey why are you all claping?(looks back) An applause sign eh?(pulls out rocket launching shotgun) Die Scourge From the Beyond!(destroys the sign for no reason) We'll be right back!

**WARNING: **THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN STUPIDITY AND IS A COMERCIAL WRITTEN BY JOHN PELLEY. WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK...HMMM ISN'T RISK A BOARD GAME...AND HOW CAN THEY WATCH THIS? MAN THERE REALLY ARE TOO MANY QUESTIONS THAT AREN'T ANSWERED ON TELEVISION...

Girl walks into a Pizza place that is obviously ran by the Mafia.

**Girl:** Can I have an authentic Italian Pizza?

**Pizza-maker-dude:** Sure-a. Me-a make-a you-a a-a authentic-a Italian-a Pizza-a.

The man begins to make the pizza...Two hours later.

**Girl:** Sir may I have my pizza now?

**Pizza-maker-dude:** What-a pizza-a?

**Girl:** The pizza I ordered two hours ago!

**Pizza-maker-dude:** There-a is-a no-a pizza-a! For-a you-a to-a even-a ask-a such-a a-a question-a could-a get-a you-a waked-a!(pulls tommy gun out of pizza box and guns the girl down.) Now-a to-a eat-a that-a pizza-a!

**WARNING:** WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN WAS COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND SHOULD NOT BEEN SEEN AGAIN...OR YOU MAY GET WAKED! WELL THAT WASN'T VERY NICE! SHUT UP YA MOOK!(SLAPS SELF!) YOU WHERE WARNED...

The music begins again as we reopen with a gigantic screen TV on the stage.

**John:** This is the segment of the show that I pit two randomly selected guests against each other in a fight to the death, Celebrity Deathmatchstyle!(Applause sign some how lights up again) Darn sign!(pulls out mini-nuke and throws it on the sign, completly blowing it up.) Now for our first guest. He has stared in four films, three television series, numerous comics, and the upcoming Batman Begins, yes that's right HHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS; BATMAN!

Batman swoops in from the ceiling via batgraplinghook.

**John**(under his breath but into the mic) Drama King!

**Batman:** What was that?

**John:** Nothing cough loser cough

**Batman:** Icolud kick your butt!

**John:** Later. We've taken up too much time as it is! And the next guest, the Original Italian Stalion, the Plumber with the Hammer, boy that one's cheap, and Mr. "I'm not Affiliated With Organized Crime, Which Doesn't Exist", Mario!

A giant green pipe pops up on stage and up comes Mario in all his Italian "non-Mafia" glory. Somehow out of nowhere a wrestling ring appears around John, Mario, and Batman. Also a referee shirt materializes on John.

**John: **Okay you know the rules, no biting, no pushing, and no snowzers!

**Batman:** Why no snowzers?

**John:** I don't know they're just weird. Any way lets get it on!

**Mario:** I'm-a Mario an' I'm-a gonna--(Batman wraps the Batgrapplinghook's cord around Mario's neck and begin to choke him to death until Luigi and Yoshi begin holding Batman back) You-a little-a bleap I'm-a gonna kick-a you bleap! No-a-body touches Boss-a Mario! Lui, gimme my-a tommy gun!(Luigi lets go of Batman and gets Mario's Tommy gun. However in the meantime Batman over powers Yoshi and chokes him to death with his Bat-Yoshi-choking-ma-bob. Luigi takes aim at Batman and riddles Yoshi's body with bullets, empting the gun into Yoshi. Batman jumps over Yoshi's corpse and kicks Luigi in the face, pushing his nose into his brain, killing him. Mario pulls out his Hammer) I'm-a gonna break-a you bleapin' legs!(Mario runs at Batman only to meet the Batarang closeup, like in the face. Which of course cuts Mario's head in half.)

**John: **Batman wins! We'll be right back!

**WARNING:** THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT FOR BUY NOTE: BUY CRAP IS MADE UP AND DOES NOT EXIST DO NOT BUY THIS AT HOME.

**Woman:** I was board one day and decided to get on the internet. I wanted to buy something that cost alot, but wasn't worth anything at all. So after going to countless websites that promised crap but provided only priceless antiques, I decided to go to Buy Buy Crap is different, instead of anything anyone would find remotly worth something, they provide the absolute crap you'd just hate to be seen in the same dimention with! So don't delay, visit Buy today!

**WARNING:** THAT WAS POINTLESS...WHY DID WE AIR THAT DUMB COMMERCIAL? THEY PAID US SEVEN BILLION DOLARS TO! OKAY, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY.

The music begins as we open back up on the John Pelley Show.

**John:** Y'know what's really gay? Mustard!(audience laughs) No really, it is! Now on to our next guest...He is the son of World famous Martial Artist Son Goku. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SON GOHAN!(Dramatic pause) SON GOHAN!(John's assistant runs onto stage and wispers into his ear)Really he said THAT?(John's assistant nods and runs off stage.) It seems that Gohan thinks that he's too good to be on the same show as me. And so, in his place, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERSSSSSSSSSSSS THE TEEN TITANS!(Robin, Starfire, Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy walk onto stage and sit down in the chairs and on the couch next to John.) Hey how are you guys doing, it's been awhile since I invaded your P! True Cartoon Network Story hasn't it?

**Raven:** Hardly long enough!(drumroll)

**John:**(Pulls out a gun and shoots the drummer) Now any way, I don't think I like this seating arangement. (a cloud materializes as John moves the Titans to his whims) Okay now Starfire you move here, Raven you move next to Starfire, Beast Boy you go where Starefire was, Robin stay stationary, and Cyborg you sit waaaaaaaay down here.(the cloud drops revealing that John has moved the girls next to him.) Okay, now on with the interview...

**Starfire:** Friend John, why have you moved friend Raven and I next to you?

**Raven: **Yeah, and did you touch my butt when you moved us?

John looks around, sweat dropping.

**John:** No I didn't touch your butt, that was Beast Boy.

**Beast Boy:** Okay dude! Do you like, have it out for me or something?

**John:** No I don't have it out for you, but now that you mention it...(John takes out a cell phone) Yeah, Pizza Hut, I would like to order two thousand meat lovers pizzas. Have them delivered to the John Pelley Show after hours. The name? Garfield Logan. Thanks, bye.

**Beast Boy:** DUDE! That's MY name! And I'm a vegitarian!

**John:** Really, I didn't realize that. Well you're good for it right?

**Beast Boy:** I'm gonna kick your- -(Security comes and restains Beast Boy and carries him off stage to be put to sleep.)

**John:** Now anyway, back to ME. So Raven, I hear you are planning to write a book alongside co-staring on Titans. How's that working out for you?

**Raven:** Well, y'know- -

**John:** Really? Facsinating! Starfire are you a virgin?

**Starfire:**(blushing) Why, yes friend John. Why do you ask?

**John:** I was just wondering.(audience laughs.) No seriously! I was just asking!

**Audience:**(in unison): YEAH RIGHT!

**John:**(pulls out tape recorder) Note to self, kill audience. Anyways, so you've NEVER had sex or anything?

**Starfire:** No.

**John:** Are you sure you and Robin never, y'know(wink).

**Starfire:** Oh Gods no! I couldn't live with myself if friend Robin and I...

**Robin:** Why not! I mean c'mon!

John pulls off Robin's glove and slaps him with it.

**John:** I challenge you sir to a duel.

**Robin: **I accept and choose pistols at dawn.

**John:** Holy crap I wasn't serious! But if that's how you want it...(escorts the pizza dude from the first commercial in. The man guns Robin down in a hail of bullets then walks away.) See, it pays to have married into the mafia.(looks into the camera, wide-eyed) Which doesn't exist. There is no Mafia, there is no organised crime, this did not happen.(turns back to the surviving Titans) Now anyway, Raven are you a virgin?

**Raven:** You have no right to ask that question!

**John:** Do so!(pulls out contract with Raven's signature on it.) According to Artical H-A Section 123 Fine print, you have to agree to answer any questions I ask you. So are you?

**Raven:** Oh, God! Well, if I must then no.

**John:** You're not a virgin?

**Raven:** No, I'm not answering that question in accordance with my Fifth Amendment Right given to me via the Constitution of America.

**John:** C'mon answer the question!

**Starfire:** Yes friend Raven, tell us if you are.

**Raven:** Okay fine! I'm a virgin okay! Happy now?

**Man from the audience: **NO!

**John:** Shut up(shoots man with one of his various guns that appear from nowhere causing him to fall from his seat to the floor) It wasn't the fall that killed the man it was...the fall that killed the man.

**Cyborg:** Hey John, why haven't I had a good stich yet?

**John:** I was just getting to you. I don't really have anything I can do with you so you're going to be reformed to bring joy to the world.(pulls out Superpowerful Magnet that sticks Cyborg to it. John proceeds to deprogram him and turn him into a walking vending machine.) Now anyway, girls now that they're all dead I've gotta ask you a real question from my cue card. Could you ever REALLY forgive Terra?

**Raven:** No.

**Starfire:** Come now friend Raven. Surly you could find it in your heart to- -

**Raven:** I stand by, 'No'.

**John:** 'Kay second question, how much money is in acting anyways?

**Starfire:** I am paid several hundred thousand dollars in royalties every time the show airs.

**Raven:** WHAT? I don't even get that much for the new episodes! Or that one I posed nude in!

**John:** So let me get this straight, you've posed nude, but never had sex?

**Raven:** Yeah, basically. I mean they did cover my bleap up with rubble and stuff but I was nude during the filming.

**John:** That makes total sence to me. So is there any other stuff I should know about you two that I don't already?

**Starfire:** Well, back when Cartoon Network was going for a more edgy Toonami block they approached Raven, Terra, and I about doing a nude catfight scene but I refused.

**Raven: **We eventually decided just for Terra and I to fight in mud. In addition to writing my book and staring in the show with Star, we're going to begin our own talk show on Cartoon Network.

**John:** Why waste you time with those losers? You can work here on my show for free, not getting paid or anyything. No pitch needed.

**Raven: **Okay sure.

**John:** Sweeeet. Well, that's about it peeps. Catch ya on the Flip Side. Fo Shizzle My Dizzle Word! That's street-talk for 'Bye.'


	2. Episode Two, Fear the Insanity!

The John Pelley Show

The opening credits begin as the theme song for this episode, Relient K's "More Than Useless" plays.

**Narrator: **Tonight on The John Pelley Show; "Miss Scandle" Bra Brief, Superhero versus Super Saiya-jin Showdown: Broly, Goku, and Vegeta vs. Superman, Martian Manhunter, and Captain Marvel, Co-hosted by Starfire and Raven. And here's your host; JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHN PELLEY!

John walks onto stage in a black "Leno Who?" T-Shirt and his normal jean shorts and sandles. Following close behind are Raven and Starfire, both in their normal uniforms, only with "Connan Fears John" and "All Night Long" T-Shirts on respectively. John shows off his new co-hosts and the girls are seated at the newly created and super long desk that bares the John Pelley Show logo. John remains standing as the audience roars infront of him.

**Brismo:** Hey John, over compinsating for something with the desk?

**John: ** Shut up you little rodent! Anyways, hey peeps. I'd like to welcome you to a brand new addition of the John Pelley Show co-hosted by Starfire and Raven.(clapping) Why are you clapping? Is that darn sign back!(turns to find no applause sign) Oh you must really like me then.(begins to cry)You like me! You REALLY like me! Oh no wait a second!(notices the sign has changed location to over his head.) That's it you darn sign! It's GO TIME! SHAZAM!(a bolt of 'magical' lightning strikes John giving him the powers of SHAZAM and adding a cool little cape behind his shirt. However Captain Marvel somehow rushes onto the scene)

**Captain Marvel(DC):** Hey! You can't steal my powers! I challenge you to a fight to the death over the power of SHAZAM!

**John:** Okay, but we have to do it without using the powers of SHAZAM.

**Captain Marvel(DC):** Okay fine! SHAZAM!(in a flash Captain Marvel is transformed into a human named Billy Batson)

**John:** SUCKER!(John charges the weak little boy and pummels him with the super strength given by the power of SHAZAM. Raven and Starfire rush out to hold John back.) Like taking candy from a baby...speaking of which(John flies over to a baby in the audience with a lolly pop and takes it.) Wow! That WAS easy.(throws the lolly back to the kid.) Well anyways we got a great show for ya! Don't touch that red x in the upper right hand of the screen. Well go ahead, as long as you don't do it with the mouse.

**WARNING:** THE FOLLOWING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SHOW WHATSOEVER. IT IS A COMMERCIAL. Y'KNOW THOSE ANNOYING THINGS BETWEEN MONOLOG AND DIALOG. ANYWAYS WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK.

**Narrator:** Are you a loser? Do you have peach fuzz that will most likely NEVER become a mustache? Do you aspire to be things you'll never be for example; Pro Basketball Player or heck even College?(laugh track) Do you envy John Pelley in every way, shape, and form? Then this commercial is for you! Introducing the John Pelley Workout, complete with absolutly EVERY tip John has to offer. But don't listen to me, just hear from these "non-paid" actors.

**Un-paid Actor #1:** Ya, de John Pilly Workedout Program reely Pumped(clap) ME UP!

**Un-paid Actor #3:** I'm getting paid for this right? Oh, yeah, John's program really works. Can I get my money now?(gunshots.) Oh my God! You shot me in the bleapin' Eye! Youbleapin' bleap I'm gonna bleapin' kill you!(more gunshots) AH! MY BRAIN! Y'know a shot like that could have killed me!(more gunshots still) Okay man! That was my heart! That's not even cool! Just give me my money and- -(again more gunshots) You shot me in the knee!(man falls dead.)

**John:** OhmyGod! You just killed a guy! And it wasn't even on my SHOW! You guys suck!(busts a serious cap in the heads fo shizzle) Yeah Boyee that's how we do it on the South Side(assistant comes and wispers in his ear)What, you mean there is no South Side? Wow, my entire life of crime is allfornot? Oh well, back to my show!

**WARNING:** HAS IT OCCURED TO ANYONE ELSE THAT A GUY JUST WAS KILLED BY BEING SHOT IN THE KNEE? THAT WAS TOTALLY AWESOME! NOW BACK TO THE SHOW!

The theme begins to play as the show comes back on air and we see John standing center-stage, still empowered with SHAZAM.

**John:** Sup my peeps? Well up next we have the ultimate clash between Super- -(Superman and the Martian walk up.) What do you want?

**Superman:** You just killed our partner!

**John:** That guy on the commercial was Captain Marvel?

**Martian Manhnter:** No! The man before the commercial break!

**John:** Oh yeah! Well who's going to replace him?

**Superman:** You are!

**John:** Sorry I can't. It wouldn't be fair. But tell you what, how about you find a third man, and I'll jump in with Raven and Starfire to fight as a new team? That sound good?

**Superman:** NO!

**John:** Too bad, it's my show!(claps, magically causing Goku, Vegeta, Broly, Batman, a wrestling ring, and a refferee to appear.) Now let's get it on!

The three teams look at one another, the first men in from each team will be John, Goku, and Superman respectivly. John laughs at the weak-by-comparison last sons of their planets. Goku charges up a Kamehameha wave and launches it at John, only for it to bounce off of John's body somehow and incenerate Superman, bringing in Martian Manhunter. The Manhunter tries to tap into John's mind but is stoped by Raven's somehow stronger mental powers. Goku on the other hand goes to tag out to Broly before having his head pounded in with one punch from John. Broly comes in. John turns his attention for whatever reason to Manhunter and after quick thinking and a call to the Pentegon the Martian is captured by the US Government and taken to Area 51. Which does not exist(brain neurolizer flashes) Anyway, then John and Broly stare each other down.

**John:** Y'know Broly there's one thing you saiya-jins can't do that we humans excell at.

**Broly:** K-Kakarot!

**John:** No, not Carrot, CHEATING!

At that instant The Audience, led by Raven and Starfire begin to shoot at Broly, ultimately crushing him somehow. In come Vegeta and Batman.

**John:** Sup guys! It's cool(does secret handshake with Vegeta and Batman) I WIN! We'll be right back after these short messages.

**WARNING:** THE FOLLOWING REALLY IS POINTLESS.

**Some Stupid Kid:** I'm going to say the Alfabet acording to the computer. 1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8 9 0 - ( ---------backspace) Q W E R T Y U I O P \ A S D F G H J K L ; ' (enter) Z X C V B N M , . /(shift)

Thank you.

**WARNING:** SEE POINTLESS!

We reopen with John siting at the desk(finally) with Raven and Starfire.

**John:** Whoa, after that extremly short commercial break(turns to the camera), Thank you P! Television, I'm thirsty, you guys thirsty? CYBORG!(the former Titan turned Vending Machine by John enters and gives John a John Ade)

**Raven: **John, why do you have a drink named after you?

**John:** Why don't you?

**Starfire:** Oooo What the now! In your face friend!

**John:**(barely not laughing) Star, why are you talking like that?

**Starfire:** I continue to attempt to master your Earth lingo. Please, that was good yes?

**John:** That was good no! Don't try that again kay?

**Starfire:** Okay friend John. I shall not attempt to do that again. Homie-G.

**Raven:** Starfire, just quit.

**John:** Seriously, it doesn't work for you.

**Starfire:** I see. Apparently I must dress more gang-ster to master the dialeque.(begins changing cloths on screen)

**John:** You might want to not do that until we're NOT on national television.

Starfire turns to the camera wide eyed and begins to super-blush. She covers herself and shuffles offstage to the wistles and applause of the crowd.

**Raven:** Well, now that that image is scared into my mind forever- -

**John:** And what an image it was.(begins to chuckle)

**Raven:** John, your a perv.

**John:** And you love me for it baby.

**Raven:** NoIdon't!(pitcher of water dematerializes as a result of her powers)

**John:** Whoa! I think I may have acctually struck a nerve! Sweeeeeeeeeet. More on this in a minute, but right now we need to introduce our guest- -

Starfire walks back onto stage, now dressed from head to toe in thug clothes complete with purple do-rag, Lakers basket ball jersey, and baggy purple pants.

**Starfire:** What is up For the Shizzle Homies!

**John:** Star, it still doesn't work. But we need to get on with the show, ladies and gentlemen Bra Brief!

Bra walks out and has a seat in the chair next to John's desk.

**Starfire:** Tell me friend John, why doesn't the gang-ster look work for me?

**John:** I'll tell you after the show. Now Bra, lots of scandle going on after the release of your second sex tape "accidentally". I've got quite a few questions for you after this one.

**Bra:** Go ahead John fire away.

**John:** As much as I could burn you after that, I'm just going to ask the questions. Okay, first, I heard that you almost had a breakdown after the first tape is that true?

**Bra:** Well, I almost did yes that's what the doctors said, but I'm all better now.

**John:** So, I'm guessing this one wasn't as much of a shock then because you seem fine to me now.

**Bra:** Acctually, I've decided to imbrace this tape and I'll even be releasing the two tapes on DVD in two months.

**John:** Wow really? So what are you going to become a porn star now or what?

**Bra:** Acctually, I'm going to do any role that's offered to me. If it's a porn job then I'll do it but I'm really an actress.

**Raven:** coughslutcough

**Bra: **Youbleaping bleap! How dare you critisize my work just because I've done it with more guys than you've ever even met!

John gets between the two holding them back.

**Raven:** John, get your hand off my breasts.

John sweatdrops.

**John:** Sorry, But anyways I'm sure you can settle this like rational human beings.

**Bra:** Oh yeah? How?

**John:** I'm glad you asked!(winks at the camera and magically the wrestling ring reappears with a pit of mud in the center of it. He winks again and both Raven and Bra are transported into the pit, now clad in bikinis.) Wow two fights on one show. This really IS the best show on television.

**Starfire:** But friend John, this is not on television.

**John: **Yes it is.

**Starfire:** But- -

**John:** Yes It Is! Anywho, LET'S GET IT ON!

Raven and Bra begin to roll around in the mud. Rolling. All over each other. Grabing each other and throwing each other around. Does this sound really perverse yet? Good. Anyway they really are fighting. Raven picks up several peices of technical equipment and breaks them over Bra's head. After about five minutes of this, Bra is bloody and barely standing when Vegeta flies in to save her.

**John:** Hey you, Vegie, that's not very fair.

**Vegeta:** Don't tell me what to do John! And don't call me 'Vegie'

**John:** I'll tell you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it to little punk! Hey why are you only the prince of the Saiya-jins? Your dad's dead man, you should be King! And I'll call you Vegie any time I want to! Vegie Tales, Vegie Tales!

**Vegeta:** Why you little!(charges at John at full power, only to have his head punched in by John's finger.)

Meanwhile back in the puddle of mud, Raven has beaten Bra within an inch of her life.

**John:** Okay Raven that's good. Well folks, that's a wrap for tonight. Stay tooned for Vegeta Tales.

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